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R/£ The sporty Swiss really know how to have fun
August 01, 2003 Edition -1
James Clarke
Don't you love these robust, foreign, rural games where players sometimes strike each other with farming equipment? Hornussen, a Swiss sport, is a refined example.
Last week I met Beat Moser, the deputy consul general of that spotless country, Switzerland. He was speaking at the Inanda Club's monthly Travel Circle evening and he described the sport.
It is much dafter than cricket.
Hornussen is usually played in a freshly mown meadow and needs far more space than cricket.
In hornussen one side bats, en masse. Imagine a cricket match where all 11 batsmen spread out to face the ball. In the Swiss game the "batsmen" stand widely scattered up to half a kilometre away from the guy with the "ball". The bats look just like those boards on long sticks which protesters carry.
Opponents, using what looks like a treble-length golf club, take turns in striking the hornus - a solid rubber puck. This goes flying through the air far faster than a golf ball and the batsmen - there can be a whole village of them - have to intercept it before it lands. If it lands without being hit, the "bowler" - I suppose the proper name is something like puckenschmackenföhrer - counts it as a goal and then his teammates rush around kissen and kuddlen each other like footenballenkloppers.
If you don't believe this, I have a special invitation from the Swiss community to Stoep Talk readers and their families to watch hornussen being played at the Swiss Club this Sunday in Vorna Valley to celebrate the Swiss national day.
The invitation comes from Kurt Scheurer, the community's unofficial publik-schpreckenobermeester.
He promises visitors, from 11am onwards, a "herzlich willkommen" which, I think, means a rib-kracken schlap on the back. He also promises lots of food and drink and schwingen and steintossen; an "oompah band" and the blowenenpuffen of the alpenhorn.
Judging by Kurt, the Swiss are a jolly crowd once they've removed their ties and aren't chasing litterbugs down the street. Sadly, few people understand them, even though they are astonishingly multilingual.
Many people can't even place Switzerland on a map. A few years ago, at a Swiss diplomatic function, the mayor of Johannesburg proposed the toast: "To His Majesty, the King of Swaziland!" The Swiss solemnly raised their glasses.
Incidentally, a Swiss reader e-mailed me recently to say the future of the Swiss Army's secret weapon - the Swiss Army Knife - is at stake. There are now so many cheap imitations, he said.
"But," he added, "the Swiss Navy Knife - now that's different. It has but one blade - shaped like a paddle."
(If you'd like to join the Swiss on Sunday, ring 011-805-3030/40 or just pitch up.)
Important warning
David Randson tells me a friend wishes to pass this warning on to Stoep Talk readers:
"I must warn about a new and deplorable criminal activity hitting this country. Last night I was attacked and forced to the ground.
"One of the guys pushed something into my pocket and ran away. When I looked at what it was, I saw it was a ticket to the next Springbok rugby game.
"Please be careful, these people are desperate to get rid of these tickets and will stop at nothing."
David says that when Saddam Hussein appeared on Iraqi television last week in order to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Baghdad, he wanted to prove that his appearance was not pre-recorded. So he stated that he had watched the rugby on Saturday and that "the Springboks were awful".
UK and US government officials have dismissed the report, saying it could have happened any time over the past two years.
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